Is fear my trigger? I sense it. I sense the black cloud coming. Just faintly, but its hovering. Why? What triggered it? What has worried me enough to slip into gloom again. I don’t want to slip into it again… not so soon…not in the spring. Spring is too busy a season for me.
Is it my subconscious worrying? Is it the culmination of the pay decrease, the rent increase b/c one roommate just moved out, and the impending uncertainty of when, where and with whom I’ll be living in the fall?
Since when have I not been able to handle stress? Or is it that I’m good with stress from pressures (academic/work deadlines) but not life stress? How could I have gotten through 30 years and not learned how to handle life stress?
One of my friends told me last night that she inquired about how it was to live with my new potential roommates. She was told that they are very couplely. I retored with, “they are married”, assuming that should clarify the reason why they are so couplely. Is it not to be expected? Am I not expecting it to be awkward at first living with a married couple? Yes. I’m more concerned with living with a dog… I’m not sure I’m alright with that. But if it means cheaper rent, then I’ll have to suck it up.
I’m nervous. I’m nervous about how this summer will go. How I’ll go. Last summer wasn’t all that great… this winter wasn’t all that great. What season will be great for me? Will any? Any time soon? I’m feeling such a strong desire to extricate myself from the group I’m in. I feel there are people in my surroundings that provide no positive benefit to me, but rather cause anxiety and uncertainty in my actions. I feel the need to let go and step back; side-step and move forward. New direction; new fork.
I’m worried about money. I’m always worried about money. I felt like I was doing alright… but it only lasted for about 2 months. I need to remind myself that everyday is a new day and that I don’t have to be wasteful with my money. Whatever it is that I want to purchase, will be there another day.
I think I made the first step in defending myself against the black cloud. I wrote these thoughts down. Next, I need to share them verbally. I will only let the sun reign over me.
