What is it that I fear? May 10, 2009

Is fear my trigger?  I sense it.  I sense the black cloud coming. Just faintly, but its hovering.  Why? What triggered it? What has worried me enough to slip into gloom again. I don’t want to slip into it again… not so soon…not in the spring. Spring is too busy a season for me.

Is it my subconscious worrying? Is it the culmination of the pay decrease, the rent increase b/c one roommate just moved out, and the impending uncertainty of when, where and with whom I’ll be living in the fall?

Since when have I not been able to handle stress? Or is it that I’m good with stress from pressures (academic/work deadlines) but not life stress?  How could I have gotten through 30 years and not learned how to handle life stress?

One of my friends told me last night that she inquired about how it was to live with my new potential roommates.  She was told that they are very couplely. I retored with, “they are married”, assuming that should clarify the reason why they are so couplely. Is it not to be expected?  Am I not expecting it to be awkward at first living with a married couple? Yes.  I’m more concerned with living with a dog… I’m not sure I’m alright with that.  But if it means cheaper rent, then I’ll have to suck it up.

I’m nervous.  I’m nervous about how this summer will go.  How I’ll go.  Last summer wasn’t all that great… this winter wasn’t all that great.  What season will be great for me? Will any? Any time soon?  I’m feeling such a strong desire to extricate myself from the group I’m in.  I feel there are people in my surroundings that provide no positive benefit to me, but rather cause anxiety and uncertainty in my actions.  I feel the need to let go and step back; side-step and move forward. New direction; new fork.

I’m worried about money.  I’m always worried about money.  I felt like I was doing alright… but it only lasted for about 2 months. I need to remind myself that everyday is a new day and that I don’t have to be wasteful with my money.  Whatever it is that I want to purchase, will be there another day.

I think I made the first step in defending myself against the black cloud.  I wrote these thoughts down.  Next, I need to share them verbally.  I will only let the sun reign over me.

Time to Crash February 7, 2009

It was the most insane week I’ve ever had. And I’d put forth that it will probably become the most insane of 2009.
My birthday was on Monday, and guitar classes started Monday night. Busy. Tuesday night was my birthday dinner at the Tavern – lots of food, drink and music. Wednesday was dealing with the delay of my conference and hosting a colleague from NB. Fun. Thursday and Friday was a conference in which I was the jill of all trades – catering was easy but busy.

On top of all that, I had someone finger-point me for belittling him and my other friends in public places and then accuse me of being passive agressive. I’m still currently mulling this over.
Otherwise, I’m having a perfectly lazy weekend. Hopefully I’ll get some reading, knitting, guitar and cooking done too. (Wow, that doesn’t sound all that lazy anymore).

Double the Savings! January 30, 2009

Well, I suppose the official countdown is now on.  Its roughly 81 hours until I turn the page and start a the new decade of 30.  This week, I haven’t really been mulling over too many things.  After all, I’ve managed to acquire 3 university degrees during my 20s.  However, the one thing I do think most about is the aftermath of paying for those 3 wonderful pieces of parchment. And so this week, I’ve opened not one, but TWO savings accounts.  Why two?  B/c I have cash flow in two countrys.  The acct I’ve opened in Maine will be fed atleast 10% of my paycheck every two weeks.  The acct in PEI will receive the money earned from the exchange of depositing US $ into my CDN acct to pay bills. 

So, hopefully, as I jump feet first into a new chapter in my life, I’m well on my way to paying off those damn student loans and being a little more financially independent.

The windshield or the bug? January 21, 2009

This seems to be the underlying theme when it comes to dating. You are either, or. Never both. And for me, I always seem to be the bug. Why can’t I be the windshield one of these days? Not that I want to be the windshield that flattens the bug, but it would be nice to be the one holding the cards. Then again, I don’t want to hold cards, b/c I don’t want to play games. I just want it to work out one of these days. I want to not be wanting it so badly to work out, also.

Maybe, that too, is my issue. I get too caught up in the new details, the new conversation, the new object that is filling the void… and then its *splat* when the void is once again empty. *sigh*.

I have learned from the last encounter with the windshield, however, that some people can easily be hypocrites until the right person comes along.
Its all friends and butterflies, until you realize that there is someone else that trumps you.
But, atleast I got my flashdrive back.

Just a Thought January 20, 2009

Wondering if I should wipe this blog clean and start over,  or just haphazardly just start again? (Which, this post would be an answer in itself to the latter.)

I’m not sure I’m partial to keeping the old posts, really.  Since, the blog is more of a ventilation vector than a history lesson.

Hmmm.

Update:  I’ll keep what I have… change the name, change the theme.  It now feels new and fresh again. Like daisies.  hehe